Get off the Emotional Roller Coaster! Coping with Emotion in a Healthy Way
Andrea, 38, has always had everything together. She had the perfect life with a wonderful home, three healthy kids, a loving husband, a stable job, and a steady flow of income. She prided herself in knowing that she was always in control of everything, including her emotions. Her health had always been impeccable - up until 4 weeks ago.
One morning in her shower, she discovered a lump in her right breast. Concerned, she made an appointment to see her family physician. After some tests, she was informed that she had stage 2-breast cancer. She began experiencing a range of emotions that included shock, panic, anger, worry, and sadness. These emotions persisted and she couldn’t prevent them from resurfacing. The emotional pillar of strength was starting to crumble. She realized that maintaining control of things in her life had always made her feel secure and confident. Her previous coping ability of taking charge of things did not work at this time. For the first time in her life she was faced with a problem that rendered her powerless.
Coping with powerlessness is likely to be the most difficult emotion that Westerners face. Our culture has instructed us to try our best, work hard and find a way to make things better, solve our problems and move ahead in life. Being active and in control is the modus operandi. As long as life presents challenges that we can DO something about, we cope relatively well. However, when we are presented with situations in which we cannot DO anything at all - or worse when we must put our fate in the hands of someone or something else, our ego defences break down and we experience a wide range of emotions to cover up the powerlessness that we feel underneath it all. It seems that we are programmed to be human doings rather than human beings.
Through the field of psychoneuroimmunology, it is now recognized that the way an individual experiences emotions directly impacts on her/his nervous and immune systems. Failure to cope effectively with certain emotions leads to energetic blockages that may in turn lead to physical disease. Coping with emotions in a healthy way will free the body, mind and spirit. Turning to the Eastern Buddhist ideology provide us with some answers in how to do this.
In this viewpoint, all emotions are recognized as simple messengers. When a courier service rings our doorbell to deliver a parcel, the deliveryman wishes us to open the door, greet him with a smile, acknowledge the reception of the parcel and accept the parcel. Then, the courier is free to leave. However if you choose not to open the door, the deliveryman will once again return the next day to try his luck again! Similarly, if the emotion is denied then it is likely to persist. Thus, a healthy way to handle an emotion is to acknowledge the emotion without judgement, welcome the message and graciously accept it. Once acknowledged and understood, the emotion is released. Let us examine more closely how this process works.
Acknowledge and Identify
Be aware of how you feel, and how the emotion manifests. The feeling may express itself as a body symptom (e.g., a tight knot in the throat), an image (e.g., a painful past memory) or a desire to behave differently (e.g. wanting to withdraw socially).
Non-judgement
Judging an emotion (e.g. "I have nothing to feel sad about") very often will cause its suppression. Furthermore, judgement denies the full acceptance of the self and thus restricts the energetic pathways of the body. Releasing the need to judge an emotion is key.
Acceptance
Realize that the emotion is there for a reason. Let it be present without trying to solve it or rationalize it (e.g. "I feel really angry right now. Let me witness this experience"). Allow the passing emotion to take as much place as it needs to in that moment. Do not interrupt or judge it. Allow the full intense expression of this emotion. Remember that emotions are like waves in the oceans: they build to a peak and then they subside naturally. Release the fear that the current acute emotion will become your permanent state. Acute and intense emotions cannot last in the long run.
Observe the Dance
Witness the process of the emotional experience. You are actually detached from the emotion and watching its flow. You may be surprised at how the emotion "shifts" into another form and feeling (e.g. Hey, my anger is now changing to hurt… and now I feel sad… and now I feel ok). Keep watching patiently until you reach a feeling of sustained calm. There may be several emotions that may come through that underlie your initial presenting emotion.
Letting Go
This stage does not mean accepting defeat; rather it is a powerful spiritual practice that admits that we are not all knowing and capable of anything. Letting go implies that we acknowledge the presence of a higher power and choose to let this force support us. This strategy allows us to experience peace and feel supported.
Letting Go
These people have bottled up the emotions for years and now faced with a tidal wave of these feelings. Learning how to accept and express these feelings in an effective and safe way can be extremely therapeutic. The mediums of art therapy, imagery, music, journaling and counselling can be used for those purposes.
Conclusion
Handling emotions in this way is a powerful way of living life and giving oneself love. In this way, you are truly honouring all of you. This will surely raise your self-esteem and heighten your level of consciousness.
In order to cultivate this way of processing emotions, it is recommended to practice a form of mindfulness meditation. This will surely consolidate all of the above-mentioned principles. Furthermore, it may be fun to intentionally put yourself in situations where you are faced with powerlessness (e.g. allowing yourself to get lost in an unfamiliar part of the city) and work through the resistance of the mind in order to reach a place of calm. By mastering this ability to cope, you will be better able to thrive in any difficult life situation.
Exploring your faith and trusting in a higher power can definitely be invaluable at this time. All of these methods of practice may take a long time to develop, so be patient with you. If you experience too much resistance, seek the help of a practitioner trained in psycho-spiritual therapy.
© Stephane Bensoussan, M.A., Holistic Psychologist, 2004
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