Supporting Your Partner with a Sexual Problem
Mark and Elizabeth have been happily married for 10 years and enjoyed an active sex life. In the last few months, Mark has had difficulty sustaining an erection and more recently, he has not been able to achieve an erection.
Mark feels as though he’s "less of a man" and is disappointed that his body has let him down In fact, he has felt a whole range of emotions—shame, embarrassment, frustration, guilt, self-hate, and anxiety. Sexuality is a very important aspect of a man’s identity and sense of power in the world. Mark is not used to dealing with these overwhelming emotions. Rather than communicating openly to Elizabeth and perhaps seeking professional help, he has denied his problem, and continues to distance himself from Elizabeth by avoiding any intimate interactions.
Elizabeth, on her end, is convinced that Mark has lost interest in her sexually because she hasn’t lost the excess weight since her last baby. She tries everything to get Mark to notice her and seduces him in many ways. Nevertheless, he ignores her and acts tired and disinterested. This further feeds Elizabeth’s insecurity and begins to wonder if Mark is having an affair.
Maintaining a satisfying sexual life is an important component in a healthy marriage. When there is an erectile or sexual dysfunction present in the couple –whether the cause is due to psychological or physical factors, the emotional impact on both partners is considerable. Since Mark and Elizabeth suffer this emotional pain in silence, their personal life satisfaction is diminished and their marriage may become in peril. How can they overcome this challenge to their relationship?
Get informed about the condition
Effective communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. If issues are avoided or denied, these same issues reappear in different forms. Arguments over finances, the kids, the chores tend to prevail, leaving behind the underlying problem, the source of the stifled emotion. Active positive steps toward a solution can be taken. As the woman, or partner, you can read and learn about erectile dysfunction and its treatments. Knowledge is potential power and it may also help take away some of your own emotional insecurities about how the dysfunction is "your fault."
Take it out of the bedroom
As the partner, you may need to take the lead to get both of you on the road to recovery. The man may be suffering too much, feeling paralyzed by feelings of inadequacy or shame. Bring up the subject in an emotionally supportive way at a time of reduced tension. Talking about sex is more easily discussed outside the bedroom.
Encourage him to seek medical help
Encourage your partner to make an appointment with his family doctor. With the knowledge you’ve acquired, explain to him how he isn’t alone, that erectile dysfunction is quite common. Reassure him that effective treatment is available. Since many cases of erectile dysfunction have an underlying medical condition, you may highly suggest that your partner sees a doctor. Depression is common among men who have erectile dysfunction and this is another important reason why seeking prompt medical intervention is crucial.
Be constructive and supportive
Although communication is vital in dealing with erectile dysfunction, this communication, especially initially, needs to be constructive and supportive. You can discuss your deeper feelings at a later date, once a solution is underway. Instead, be results-oriented, focus on the actions you are going to take together to solve it.
Remain detached from your feelings
When broaching an emotional issue, an attitude of detachment is always helpful. You can’t remove your partner’s emotional discomfort, but you have control over your own. Making him feel humiliated rejected, or accused will only add to the stigma. Avoid getting sidetracked by discussing how the erectile dysfunction has affected the marriage. Keep your own emotions under check and tackle the subject from a more clinical perspective. Since he will be feeling vulnerable, be sure to reassure him of how much you love him despite this problem.
Let go of blame
Although you need not blame yourself for this condition, don’t behave as though this is strictly "his problem," He is already feeling guilty and he may not be ready to hear how this has hurt you. Accompany him to the doctor’s office if he needs the support; show him how much you care and that you will get through this difficult time together. Put aside your own feelings, and needs for the time being. This may be difficult for you to do, but remember this strategy is to get him to seek help and make him come out of hiding. Sharing your feelings at this time may only serve to further his shame and keep him hibernating longer.
Nurture yourself
As the partner, nurture yourself. Do activities that make you feel well —get a massage, have lunch with friends, take a bubble bath. You can be most supportive to others when you are feeling strong and have taken care of your own needs. You are also setting a great example to your partner.
Consider couple counseling
This dysfunction has also affected your sexuality and your own self-esteem. In fact, you may be as emotionally upset about it as he is, and your issues should also be addressed. The doctor may recommend couples therapy as a way to encourage helpful dialogue and to get everyone’s emotions out in the open in a safe forum. You may feel that this dysfunction has caused psychological damage to you and your relationship. Counseling may be a way to heal these wounds.
Keep the conversations free of judgment
An essential ingredient in opening the heart is to establish a safe space for both of you to express feelings openly. Safety is established once we let go of judgment, and remain neutral. Being able to receive your partner’s comments without allowing yourself to be emotionally triggered can be tricky, but will ensure that the climate is favorable to sharing. Remember to honor his words with confidentiality and resist the temptation to use his attack him when he is open and vulnerable. Don’t use this sensitive information against him later in a heated argument.
Promote positive growth activities
Remember that not having intercourse doesn’t mean the relationship has to be ‘on hold.’ Self-esteem may have taken a dive for both of you, but the answer is not to ignore each other until things are ‘fixed.’ Instead, use this time to honor, strengthen, and explore your relationship. During this time of increased vulnerability, couples may connect to new aspects of themselves and each other. Life challenges are always opportunities for growth and discovery. As couples tackle and solve problems together they become stronger and more committed. Do activities together to stay connected, hold hands and take a walk, do playful things you’ve never done before. The more you both feel supported, the better the outcome.
Play without sex
Favor intimate activities that promote trust, openness and without the pressure of the performing sexually. Try massaging one another, reading out loud in bed, tickling with feathers, engaging your partner in an imagery exercise, strip poker, etc.
Gradually reintroduce sex
Use this as a time to refine your lovemaking. Make sure you both clearly communicate your wants and needs. Expect a period of adjustment as you re-incorporate intercourse into your relationship. Let this happen as naturally and stress-free as possible.
Erectile dysfunction will not disappear by itself. Mark and Elizabeth would have preferred to never have this particular relationship challenge. How they choose to handle the situation will determine the impact of the dysfunction on their relationship. Their response could be one of quiet misery which would enable the building of a stonewall between them. They could otherwise respond with supportive and constructive action that would lead to a more fulfilling relationship. The choice is theirs. What will be yours?
© Stephane Bensoussan, M.A., Health Psychologist
BackNow Available
Mieux vivre avec le cancer
Les solutions naturelles pour atténuer les symptômes
Prix : 29.95 $ CAD
ISBN 13 : 9782761924573