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Key Tips for Handling Criticism

Family affairs can be a great thing, but if the family is somewhat dysfunctional in nature (as are 94% of all families!), these reunions can be a source of aggravation and pain. At times, intimacy breeds hostility, so snappy put downs, overt criticism, disagreements and bruised egos are commonplace during the family gatherings. Here are some tips to assertively cope with criticism.

1. Ask yourself: "Was I really criticized?"

Be careful not to confuse the bitter truth with criticism. A mother who says: "You've really done a great job on the apple pie-too bad the crust isn't flakier." may be simply highlighting the truth, and not intending to put you down.

2. Assure yourself of what was EXACTLY said.

Too often people misinterpret a word or phrase to mean something else. Ask for clarification by saying "What do you mean by that?" Repeating what you understand back to the person will often prevent unnecessary blow-ups. You may want to preface this sentence by saying: "So what you are saying is that..."

3. Ask your critic to be specific.

Do not accept general criticism such as "You are such a slob!" Ask what the person specifically dislikes about your behavior, and what they would recommend to change it. Then suggest how you would like to be spoken to in the future.

For Example: Wife: "You are such a slob!"

Husband: "What is it that I do specifically that rubs you the wrong way?"

Wife: "I can't stand when you leave your clothes lying around all over the floor!"

Husband: "Fine. I promise I will pick up after myself if you promise to tell me specifically what you dislike about my behavior instead of calling me names. It hurts you know..."

Wife: "You're right. I'm sorry for calling you a slob."

4. Do not take criticism at face value.

Realize that people often say things they don't mean when they are under stress, physical pain, or simply hungry! If for example your husband barks at you after coming home from work (e.g., "Why isn't dinner ready yet?!") Do not reach for his jugular so quickly. Let him cool down, as his frustration may be more the result of a difficult day rather than with your behavior. After he has regained his calm, do not hesitate to share your feelings with him: "I would appreciate you not take your stress out on me like you did before. Perhaps you can relax for 10 minutes alone before coming home. I feel resentful when you criticize me for something I don't deserve."

5. Remain calm and avoid judging the critic.

Bear in mind that there may be a valid reason why the critic is behaving irately. Your own judgement will simply feed your emotions and get you to respond harshly, and possibly spark an argument. Instead, think to yourself: "Why is she attacking me over such a silly matter? My behavior must have triggered a sensitive issue with her." By remaining calm and objective, you help to diffuse the situation as well as avoid getting emotional.

6. Take your time before you reply.

Being assertive does not imply producing an instant reply. A brief pause will permit you to think of an appropriate answer. You are even allowed to go back and address a past situation that was bothersome to you.

7. Be prepared. Learn some reply phases.

If you have trouble coming up with effective responses to criticism, practice some answers in advance. Here are some examples: "What are you so angry about?" "Why are you in such a bad mood today?", "Why are you criticizing me?".

8. Learn to handle put downs assertively.

Be aware that many people criticize destructively as a way to feel superior and powerful. They pick at others' faults to improve their own self-esteem. You have a right not to accept such treatment. You can assert yourself appropriately to respond to such attack. If you feel put down by the comment, you need to reply assertively.

9. Answer the criticism to make you feel better, not to change the opinion of the critic.

Don't waste your energy trying to convince the critic that they are wrong. They will likely get defensive and the conflict will escalate. Instead, express your feelings or your beliefs.

For Example: Wife: "You idiot! Can't you even cut the tomatoes into round slices?"

Husband: "I hate when you talk to me that way. Slice them yourself next time!"

10. Use the "I" word to describe your feelings.

Make use of lines like "I really feel hurt when you say that." or "I would appreciate you not speaking to me that way."

11. Don't get involved in a lengthy reply.

Answer in a brief statement that will quiet their criticism.

12. Alert the critic that he/she may be losing control.

Often, people are so wrapped up with their emotions that they do not realize the intensity of their moods. If you notice the critic is becoming increasingly hostile, alert them to a characteristic of their behavior or body language. For example: "Honey, do you notice your voice is getting louder? Please calm down before you lose control. I would really like to spend some quiet time with you."

13. Protect yourself and your aura.

When you are dealing with a totally irrational person, or someone who simply will not listen to your rebuttals, protect yourself immediately. You can do this by imagining a "dome of protection" around your aura consisting of resistant transparent fibreglass. Then perceive the words coming out of the critic's mouth as bubbles coming in your direction but bouncing off your dome instead of penetrating your being.

Remember that outward criticism is only a reflection of a nasty internal critic. He who criticizes another is really unhappy with a part of himself. Unfortunately, it is easier to attempt to manipulate or effect a change in one's outer world than to quiet one's inner demons.

© Stephane Bensoussan, M.A., Holistic Psychologist

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