Cultivating the Survivor Coping Style
People who cope best in life are those who are capable of turning adversity or a stressful life event into an opportunity for growth. Life's best survivors are those who are able to react optimistically at everything that happens to them. Their reaction to almost anything that happens is to say: "Ok. I'm glad this happened. Let's look at what we can do now... Let's play!" If they encounter an unexpected crisis, they do not let themselves feel victimized. They go from being emotionally upset to thriving to serendipity with remarkable speed. Here are some tips into developing a survivor coping style:
Learn to welcome adversity
People who have survived adversity and misfortune often report discovering incredible strength of character. In fact, the more extreme the difficulty, the deeper within a person must search and the greater the possibility for uncovering hidden resources.
When bad news or misfortune catches you off guard, a great way to stay focused is to remind yourself of your natural ability to pull through adversity. Survivors often say to themselves phrases like:
"When the going gets tough the tough get going."
"When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade."
"Every dark cloud has a silver lining."
Laugh or cry
Laughter or crying is great for getting you to relax and release strong emotions. One way or another, get your emotions calmed. Your mind will work more effectively when powerful feelings aren't brewing up inside and short-circuiting your ability to think.
Do whatever you must to regain emotional balance quickly. Caution: This does not mean blocking or repressing your emotions. Remember the saying: "The organs weep the tears the eyes refuse to shed..." By all means, live your emotions and accept them without judgement. Once the emotions have served their purpose, then release them, and move on.
Ask positive coping questions
The human mind is conditioned to come up with answers to all questions. For example if you ask yourself: "Why do these terrible things only happen to me?" your brain will automatically conjure up all types of reasons, real and invented, to explain why this is indeed happening. As a result, you will tend to feel depressed and helpless. The types of questions you ask yourself can thus create your emotional state. By asking positive coping questions you will favor a more resourceful and optimistic mind frame. Examples include:
What am I grateful for?
What would be useful for me to do right now?
How can I improve my reality?
What could I do to turn this around?
Ask questions to favour learning
Coming to an understanding of the reasons of an event can significantly improve coping from any adversity. Resorting to one's higher spiritual beliefs can achieve this goal. Examples include:
What is the lesson that the Universe/God wants me to learn here?
Why is this good that this happened?
What is the opportunity that presents itself?
Be playful and curious!
Take your perspective and poke fun at it. Imagine all types of hilarious scenarios to resolve the situation. Experiment with your thoughts, and imagine what others are thinking and feeling. By keeping a flexible outlook, you are no longer trapped by the constraints imposed by your thoughts. You are also more capable of seeing the different choices that present themselves, and as a result may cope more effectively with the reality. Keep in mind the famous saying: "Life is a giant stage, in which we are all actors." Pretend to be the screenwriter and create alternate story lines.
Take Action
Do something different, anything that might in some way result in a positive outcome. If the strategy you are using isn't working, try something else! People affected by adversity react in many different ways. Some go numb. Some become very emotional and lose all ability to cope. Some become helpless and adopt the victim mentality. Survivors will react to a disruptive change forced on them as though it is a change that was needed and even desired. A survivor is one who chooses to make things turn out well. Remember that although you do not have the ability to always decide the course of your life, you do have the power to choose how you wish to cope with what life throws at you.
Take responsibility
By taking responsibility of your thoughts, emotions, and actions, you are one step closer to becoming empowered and producing a positive outcome. Taking responsibility of your situation means that you are making the decision to do whatever is in your power to change the course of your situation. You are no longer a spectator of your life where everyone and everything has the power to affect your feelings, behavior and health. You become the sole agent responsible for directing your life. Steering one's life can be scary at times... but imagine how scarier it is if someone else is directing it. When a person does not take responsibility for one's life he/she typically feels helpless, depressed, anxious, and fearful, as if they were on a raft traveling down the rapids of a tumultuous river without control. Once a person chooses to be responsible for themselves, they take the controls of the boat, and undoubtedly feel more confident, happier, and healthier.
Develop Commitment
The commitment to survive gives a person an extraordinary capacity to adapt and keep going. By committing to a certain target goal you are sending a mesage to the universe that there is absolutely nothing that will stand in the way of your success. You are then tapping into a powerful life force from within. Survivors of war camps, life threatening diseases and other gruesome experiences all report having had a commitment of some kind to help them get through their ordeal.
Free yourself from the past
Your past experiences will always be a part of you. You cannot erase them, but even the most horrible experiences can be dealt with so that they do not ruin your life. It is possible that by working to overcome your emotional trauma, you may go beyond recovery. You may develop a higher, stronger version of yourself than you suspected could exist.
The survivor coping style can be learned through a process of holistic psychotherapy that seeks to promote psychological, physical, and spiritual well being in an individual.
© Stephane Bensoussan, M.A., Holistic Psychologist, 2002
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